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Hey I Know My Kid Broke the Law, But that Doesn’t Mean They Should Face Any Punishment – Parents Threaten Lawsuits over Their Childs Illegal Behavior
Brian Holloway, former NFL player and father of eight, has a vacation home in New York State. While at his home in Florida his 19 year-old son tells him about some pictures and things he is seeing on twitter. They were about an out of control party being held in the vacation house. Now these kids didn’t have permission to be there, they broke in and decided to throw a big party. Items have been stolen, they cleaned out his house of the alcohol he had in the home, they urinated on his carpeting, they spray painted his walls, destroyed hardwood flooring, and left drug paraphernalia on the property.
Brian was a long ways away trying to get a hold of the local sheriff to get these freeloaders out his home. The sheriff did come and break up the party, which by the way they originally planned on staying for the Labor Day weekend. The house has sustained thousands of dollars worth of damage and a yet to be determined amount loss due to stolen property. Yet oddly, the sheriff was unable to make even one arrest. I guess those kids were fast. They ran and hid or something.
Brian hasn’t taken this lying down. He has reprinted all the tweets he could find that came from his home during this drunken home invasion. What do the parents of these young adults do? They threaten to sue. That’s right. We wouldn’t want little Suzy or Johnny to be publicly humiliated now would we? After all, most of them are high school students getting ready to fill out applications for college. How dare someone talk about how out of control their child is?
Now Brian hasn’t accused anyone of anything. He has only put out there tweets that these kids themselves put out on social media. One tweet said:
yeah mom went to a party and got drunk but hey atleast I’m not a meth addict”
Emily’s mom must be so proud.
Dear Maddie was upset that the party got busted, it would have been so much bigger. Oh no, she missed out on more fun. That is lawsuit worthy isn’t it? Another young man was glad that his parents don’t care what he does. Apparently not.
Only one parent, count it, one, showed up with their child to help clean up the mess.
We are more and more becoming a society that care nothing for personal property or the rights of the others. It is me, me, and me that matters. While it is understandable that kids that age don’t get how hard it is to earn the money to afford a home, they should at the very least have the understand that breaking into someone’s home is wrong. That peeing on the carpet is wrong. That spraying painting on a the wall is wrong. Do these young adults live in zoo where anything goes? Would they treat their parents home in this fashion?
But what is worse is the seeming lack of remorse shown by the parents. It seems that their little brats getting into college is a more desirable thing rather than teaching their kids a sense of responsibility. Actually showing their children that actions have consequences. Very real consequences in this case. That is a lesson that no college can teach these brats. That is the lesson that the parents alone are in charge of. But no, they will use our legal system to bash the victim and teach their kids that hey they are special, it was just one stupid mistake. No biggie. Move along, nothing to see here.
I came across this blog post a few days ago and was working on a write-up about it. Mrs. Hall is mom and she wrote an open letter to young women about the selfies that they post on social media in different stages of undress. I never got around to hitting publish on it. I am glad that I didn’t because of the storm that this has caused.
As usual feminists have taken a disliking to Mrs. Hall and her words. She is slut shaming and blaming the victim for any potential sexual abuse that may come into their lives. Now Mrs. Hall did not such thing. Her advice was simply that maybe teenage girls should be more aware of the dangers of social media and putting half-naked pictures of yourself isn’t a good idea.
The thing that I never understood about the feminist movement is that they claim that they don’t want to be treated like a sex object they then cry foul when you point out that showing your boobs to complete strangers is exactly what makes you a sexual object to some.
“Respect everyone regardless of their gender/sexuality/appearance,” she might’ve said. “Don’t worry! It’s okay if you have sexual feelings! You’re a sexual being! Girls are too. That doesn’t mean you can treat them like objects. You and you alone are responsible for your thoughts and actions. Get over this Madonna-whore complex while you still can.”
Now what she actually said was:
I think the boys notice other things. For one, it appears that you are not wearing a bra.
I get it – you’re in your room, so you’re heading to bed, right? But then I can’t help but notice the red carpet pose, the extra-arched back, and the sultry pout. What’s up? None of these positions is one I naturally assume before sleep, this I know.
She was commenting on how these young women are posing into positions that make them look like a sexual object in various stages of undress.
Teaching your daughters to have some modesty is not slut shaming nor is it remotely close to saying they are responsible if they happen to get raped. It is saying to them that the most important thing that they have is themselves. It has value and that value is incalculable. There is no monetary thing that can replace your body, your self-respect, your emotions, and everything else that makes you human.
Now I have always said that we teach our daughters to be careful when they are out at parties where others are drinking. That behavior can put you in danger. It doesn’t mean that you deserve what happens to you, it means why put yourself in that position when it can be so easily avoided? It is far less likely that young men will be raped. But that doesn’t mean we don’t tell our sons that they should not be in those positions either. We would should be teaching all of our children that their actions have consequences.
I have been thinking about some posts I have done in the past, the lawsuit filed by Yale students about sexual misconduct that occurred at an off campus Naked Party where people were drinking heavily. Knock me over with a feather, I am shocked, shocked I say to hear that there was sexual misconduct going on. That doesn’t mean that the young men involved should get a pass. If they committed a crime they should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. But I would use this story as a teachable moment to young women and explain that when you are in this environment and you are drinking, bad things may happen to you. Avoid the whole thing by not going to a naked party. I am not saying they deserved to be raped and/or assaulted. Young adults, drinking, and sex is not a really good combination.
But of course the feminazi’s of the world turned this into you are tempting my son to be unpure. What she was actually trying to get across to these girls is if you don’t want to be treated like a sexual object, don’t act like one. We are all human and sex and sexual feelings is part of our humanity. Women and men think differently. We just do. Those different ways of reacting and thinking sometimes lead us to not understand the intentions of others. This harkens me back to post about the New York Times article on Penn State and the Hook Up Culture. A young women in that article flat-out said that if she started to sober up a little and realized she didn’t want to have sex, she would just drop to her knees and open her mouth to get it over with. Is that rape? No, it isn’t. It is a young woman who made a series of bad choices that ended up with her on knees to gracefully find a way out of sex after a night of drinking.
These are the types of things that Mrs. Hall is trying to warn young women about. You make these choices, thinking they are innocent and wont’ cause any harm, and then find yourself in a dorm room on your knees performing oral sex on a man that you don’t care about at all. That isn’t empowerment young ladies. You have been used for sex. That is exactly what makes men look at you as a sexual object. No one is saying stay a virgin until you get married. Or at least I am not. That is an individual choice that all of must make for our own reasons. What people like myself and Mrs. Hall are saying is that if you act a certain way, don’t be shocked when you get treated that way. It shouldn’t be a surprise.
Here is a funny example of what Mrs. Hall was discussing. Please note, I don’t know how serious the injuries to the young woman was. I hope that since the video was posted she suffered only minor burns. But if you look closely you will see a bottle and shot glass on the table. Someone put on that video camera. Someone posted that video. Please dont’ tell me that young woman didn’t wanted to be looked at as sexy, as someone you may want to hang with, dance with, most likely have sex with. No one else made her an object except for herself. This is what Mrs. Hall is trying to warn teenage girls about.
Oh my. I have reached the age that little should shock me. I convince myself all the time that is the case. Then I read this.
It is a blog that says it is an advice like thing for men. You know, dating tips and of course, what would it be without a column on how to get out of fatherhood? I mean that is necessary info after all, right?
It starts out with how men have few options when it comes to birth control:
Let’s face it: sexually active people have accidents. Shit happens, that’s life. But we know that men have no reproductive rights in opting out of a being a parent. With only two birth control options available to men (a condom and a vasectomy) the words you use to get your girl off the fence about having an abortion must be well thought out.
I notice it says nothing about not having sex or even if people think that isn’t a realistic argument, it doesn’t even mention just having sex with someone who you trust enough to know that she is taking birth control on a regular basis. Nor does it mention the withdrawal method. If worse comes to worse, you can just have oral sex. I guess the fact that when used properly, condoms are pretty much as effective as birth control as any method a woman uses. But I guess that is neither here nor there.
He recommends three different styles to use during this “conversation”
- The Hail Mary
- The Asshole Method
- The Wild Card Method
I guess it doesn’t occur to this guy that all would fall under The Asshole Method. The Hail Mary method is to be used on a “girlfriend” or “long-term booty call”. I guess another term for the hook-up that is so common on college campuses these days. You play Mr. Nice Guy and tell the woman that you want to have children with her “one day”, but that day isn’t quite here yet. You know you have career and financial goals and that having a baby today would mess those up. You can’t support her or that child in the way you would like. Oh, and I can’t leave out you are instructed to dump the girl after this, because if she happens to get pregnant again, you won’t be able to use this a second time. I guess if you are already doing well in those departments you are screwed and then have to move on to the next method of being a total jerk. Just tell her you will not be part of this child’s life and she will only get financial support that court forces him to pay. But in no uncertain terms will you forced into a fatherhood to a child that you don’t want. I guess you are effectively breaking it off here as well.
The third one really is the most charming of all the methods. I will let him describe it to you.
How The Wildcard Method Works
Think about what causes normal couples wanting to have children to get an abortion. If an ultrasound finds that the child has a developmental problem like autism, many couples choose to abort. You can use this knowledge to your advantage because you can tell the girl that a rare genetic disease is common in your family. You should tell her you would love to have children but it would be unfair to risk the possibility of this disease (ideally use one which causes an early death and/or horrible lifestyle conditions while alive) being passed on to future generations. To add color to your story, bring up a nonexistent sibling and tell her that you are still recovering from their painful passing a few years ago.
To help convince her that this is a family disease, take pictures. This might require you to spend an afternoon volunteering at a hospital or center for developmentally disabled people. Take a picture of someone who could pass as a relative (similar skin tone is probably all you need). This is just an example, but do whatever you think is necessary to sell the seriousness of this genetic disease to her. Explain that having a kid with your DNA would be like playing Russian roulette with someone’s life. If she is still on the fence have her watch the film Tiptoes with Matthew McConaughey and tell her what your siblings, uncles, cousins have lived through makes dwarfism seem like a walk in the park. While this method could require some acting on your part, if you sell it well enough she will be offering to pay for the abortion.
Apparently it would seem this would work best on a woman who has yet to meet your family, or at the very least doesn’t know them very well since she has no idea that you lost a sibling. It also never occurs to this wonderful guy that the woman may ask if he has this going on why he wouldn’t have a vasectomy to be sure he never plants his seed, but you know, details. I love how something so rare is so common all that the same time, don’t you?
Is really necessary to wonder why dont’ view life as valuable anymore? I will give him credit though, he does seem to think it is his repsonsibility to pay for the abortion. I guess we should take some solace in that.
Well those aren’t the exact words the Pastor used, but yes, he told a bride that her dress was too sexy for the church service. He requested that she cover up her breast area and add some length to her dress and then he would happily marry the couple.
The wedding was due to take place at The Truth Ministries Holiness Church in Houston on August 10. Both the bride and groom arrived at the church one hour prior to when the service was due to start. When the Pastor greeted the family he noticed the bride’s dress (or lack thereof) and asked her to make her self look more appropriate for his church.
Below is a picture of the dress (from the website of the retailer, not the actual bride). I would have to say that I wouldn’t think about wearing that dress to a church let alone as my wedding gown. But to each their own I guess.
Now one must keep in mind that neither the bride or groom were members of the church. So it is likely they didn’t understand the standards of the church. Every church has its own unique way of doing things and has standards that members either agree with or you find another house of worship.
I understand that the families, the wedding party, and the guests are very upset at how it turned out. They had a reception planned and were not married and most likely not in the mood to party after what was a very embarrassing moment for the bride.
Didn’t she take someone shopping with her when she picked out the dress? Or at very least show it to someone beforehand? Didn’t her family or friends mention this isn’t the type of dress you normally get married in? I would think someone would have mentioned that maybe a church wouldn’t find this appropriate.
Was the Pastor correct in standing by his principles and not marrying the couple? I would think so.
just a conservative girl and Robin H are discussing. Toggle Comments
Tawana Brawley, the woman who falsely accused various men of holding her captive, raping her, then leaving her in a trash bag with racial slurs scrawled across her body has had her wages garnished in what is due to one of the men she accused. Steven Pagones has been waiting years and years for the payments on the settlement he was given, more than $400,000. You may recall this is the case that helped make Al Sharpton a household name when he came to her defense after she accused all white men of rape.
Sharpton staged sit-ins and rallies in order to see “justice” done in this case. Police could find no evidence to file charges, but of course that didn’t stop the race baiting Sharpton from pushing the issue. Once it reached a grand jury they found no evidence to back up her claims. The story goes that she stayed away from home for several days and couldn’t find a reasonable excuse that her parents would believe and came up with this story. While it does seem to be the case that her mother’s boyfriend was a violent man who reportedly had beat her in the past, it still doesn’t justify ruining the lives of innocent men.
Brawley showed no signs of rape or of hypothermia immediately after being found in a trash bag. Brawley had no cuts, no abrasions, or virtually any other injuries at all. It has even been reported that the hospital noted that her teeth had been recently brushed. Hardly indicative of a person being held captive in the woods for days. One neighbor says she saw Brawley crawl into the trash bag on her own accord and last but not least, all the writing found on her was written upside down.
To tell you the truth this isn’t even good enough. It is mind numbing to me that she was never prosecuted for bring false charges. In my opinion every woman who brings false claims of rape should be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
What Brawley allowed to happen was even bigger than the men who were falsely accused, it brought a city; and a nation for that matter, to a racial divide that was totally unnecessary as well as potentiality dangerous.
This is the first time that Brawley has had to pay in any way for what she had done. It is long since time that paid for her crime and her dishonesty.
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Another Blogger and radio host Matt Walsh received a letter from a listener. It was from a father that feels that Matt is a “right winged extremist” for thinking his children should do chores, and eventually get a job when they are teens.
“Matt, I heard your horrible conversation today about parenting. A few comments in response:
1) Based on your remarks, I have to say I feel bad for your kids. You sound like the sort of person who never should have been a parent. You said you plain to teach your kids “how to think.” I guess this is common in right wing religious fundamentalist households. Personally, I let my child form his own conclusions about things. To impose your views on a child is tantamount to child abuse. Do them a favor, let them think FREELY.
2) You greatly exaggerate the importance of “chores.” Also, the idea that a kid should be forced to “get a job” is abhorrent. My son was very gifted so we gave him all the tools to succeed academically. This meant we didn’t turn him into slave labor and we certainly didn’t tell him he needed to go work behind a cash register. He concentrated on his school work, and we did our job as parents and financially supported him.
3) It’s easy to mock a “30 year old who lives with is parents.” My son is almost 29 and he’s been home with us since he graduated. Unfortunately the job market isn’t the greatest (maybe you hadn’t heard) and I’m not going to let him starve on the street. He has a college education, it’s pointless for him to be out working in a retail store or some other menial job. I will be here for him until he is able to get the job he deserves.
You need to grow up, get some life experiences and then maybe you’ll have the right to sermonize about parenting.
Just a thought here, if Nick Jr. were so gifted wouldn’t he have been able to figure out how to make a living even in a bad economy? This reminds me of a story. About a month ago I went out with my best friend’s mother. The event we went to was being held in the local VFW. I was sitting at a table waiting for the event to get started. While I was waiting this man came over and introduced himself. For whatever reason he started telling me his life story. He is in his 80′s. He was telling me that when he was a young man his father forced him to get a job and would take most of his pay for rent. He promised himself that he would never do that to his children. He goes on to tell me that he never charged a dime in rent to any of his three children. He then went on and told me that his 47-year-old son was still living at home and never paid rent. He told me this story like it was a good thing. I asked if his son was married? He told me that his son had problems finding a “good woman”. Hmm, is the fact that he is middle-aged and has never had any sense of caring for himself be part of the reason?
I wasn’t rude and didn’t say anything to the man. He believes that he has done his children a favor. I happen to disagree. I think it important to teach children a sense of responsibility. I was having another conversation with another older gentleman he knows and he told me that he and his wife were having a conversation a few weeks ago and they have come to the realization that they never let their children grow up. They did so much for them that they are constantly having problems in their lives when it comes to taking responsibility. I am not at all surprised.
Of course, as a parent, you should help your children when they are in trouble. If they hit hard times while an adult, sure let them move in and help them out until the get back on their feet. If you can afford it, throw them a little rent money if they need it. But to be the only support system for them is not helping them. It more than likely is hurting them.
In the case of Nick, Jr, how does he date or even just go out with the friends if he has no income? Are they also supporting his personal life? I would think a man of that age wants to leave the house on occasion. Does he have a car? If so, who pays for that? That would require insurance, gas, and the occasional repair, would it not? What if he wants to go out for wings and a beer to watch Monday Night Football?
We are raising a generation of people who can’t help themselves. How exactly are they going to govern this country when their time inevitability comes? A very terrifying thought.
Here is Matt’s response to Nick. It is a little meaner than I would ever be, but it is classic all the same:
1) Tell you what. How ’bout I blindfold you, drive you out into the middle of the desert at night, and then leave you there without a map or a GPS? It’ll be great. You can just travel FREELY. After all, who am I to bring you to this place and then presume to tell you how to navigate? I’m just the guy that kidnapped you and dumped you into a hostile, cold wilderness. It would be presumptuous and authoritative of me to offer you direction and guidance. So I’ll let you wander around aimlessly until you collapse exhausted in a ditch, and are eaten slowly by wild scavengers. You’re welcome. I mean, I assume you’ll be grateful. I’ll merely be applying your parenting technique to the situation.
By the way, did you ever tell your kid not to play in the street? Did you instruct him about the dangers of hot stoves and fallen electrical wires? This is a quandary. See, if you imposed your anti-high voltage power line views on your kid, then apparently you’re guilty of abuse by your standards. However, if you didn’t, you’re guilty of reprehensible neglect by the standards of civilized human beings. I’m not an expert on parenting. I never claimed to be. But you don’t need to be an expert to know that one of the fundamental tasks of a parent — and this really speaks to the whole point of the endeavor — is to teach your child how to navigate the physical, moral, spiritual and intellectual dangers of life. This includes teaching them how to think, which could also be referred to as passing on your values and your worldview. If you have no interest in doing this, then I would suggest that you never really wanted a child — you wanted a friend. Now you have one. Living at home with you. Forever. Congratulations.
2) Chores schmores. What can they teach a kid? Discipline, obedience, and hard work? Screw that. What is this, the 50′s? Listen, Nick, don’t take this the wrong way, but what leads you to the conclusion that your son is “gifted”? He can’t mow the lawn, work a job, earn a living, pay a bill, apply a skill, or support himself, yet he’s “gifted”? What are his gifts, exactly? You know, something tells me an astronaut’s parents never have to inform people that their child is “gifted.” People sort of pick up on that based on context clues. They behold his accomplishments and admire his achievements. They can SEE his gifts. He uses them, applies them, refines them. Your son MIGHT have gifts — the jury is still out — but whatever they may be, they’ll atrophy and whittle away the longer he spends lounging in a bean bag chair eating macaroni and cheese.
3) So your brilliant and gifted 29 year old son would “starve” if he was forced to take care of himself? The “gifted” standard is getting lower by the day, isn’t it? I’ve been living independently and taking care of myself since before I could legally drink a Heineken. I guess that makes me a Nobel candidate — if your helpless grown adult son gets to set the bar for “gifted.”
The kind of oblivious snobbery you display used to be reserved for classes of nobility and royalty. Now, any drooling schlub who spent 4 years getting drunk and fornicating at college can claim to be “too good” for almost every available job. Your son isn’t above anyone. He certainly isn’t superior to hard working cashiers and retail clerks who support themselves, raise families and live full lives, as your little snowflake hides under his bed while mommy makes him hot cocoa and tells him he’s special.
News flash, Nick: Junior ain’t special. He graduated school, good for him. Anyone can do that if they’ve got money, time and no pressures or responsibilities from the outside world. Your little pumpkin doesn’t “deserve” a job. I wouldn’t hire him to dig a ditch, much less take on serious responsibilities of any kind. You can spend your whole life telling everyone what you and your son deserve, meanwhile the rest of us will be out in the world, earning, striving, accomplishing, living.
Nick, it’s somewhat peculiar that you chose to end your email by chastising me for not having “life experiences.” I’m two years younger than Nick Jr and I’m married with two kids. I’ve got a career in broadcasting and goals for the future that I’m steadily working toward achieving. I’m not exactly at the point where I’ve got enough material to write my memoirs, but I’ll get there one day. In any case, you, my friend, need to take that “life experiences” lecture and bring it home to the pudgy couch potato sleeping in your basement.
Thanks for the email.
A woman has decided that her smart, but socially awkward son needs to get some to get over his shyness. She places this ad on Craigslist to find someone to take his virginity.
I am sure that any mom worries about a child that is shy. It is hard to know that your child isn’t getting all the great things that come with having friendships and even dating. But isn’t this pushing it a little too far? Having sex isn’t going to magically make his shyness go away nor will it necessarily give him courage. He may very well fall very hard for the first person that he is intimate with and end up with a badly broken heart. He may have very well made a decision that he wants to be really in love the first time he is intimate with someone and he doesn’t feel comfortable sharing that decision with his mother.
What if her son just doesn’t want to be seduced? What is this young woman supposed to do, force him?
This is allegedly a kid that has a bright future in front of him after graduating from one from a university that is considered to be one of the top in the nation. Shouldn’t his education take top priority? After all he has plenty of time to date and socialize.
One can hope that this is some sort of fake.
About a week ago I came across this article from The New York Times on the hook-up culture on the campus of Penn. It is a very long article and very sad. This article epitomizes why “feminism” is horrible for women in particular and society in general.
“We don’t really like each other in person, sober. We literally can’t sit down and have coffee.”
Says a young, obviously intelligent young woman who is only known as A. You can’t sit down and have a conversation with this young man but you can take off your clothes and share the most important thing that you have, your body. There is no emotional connection whatsoever, it is just scratching an itch. It seems the reality that you are putting yourself in a position for unplanned pregnancies that likely end in abortion as well as STD’s doesn’t even enter into the equation.
One of the things that makes us human is our emotion. But it seems that in order to be part of the whole feminist movement that is something that you need to put aside in order to achieve your goals. What is the point of achieving anything if it costs you the most basic part of your humanity?
Instead, she enjoyed casual sex on her terms — often late at night, after a few drinks, and never at her place, she noted, because then she would have to wash the sheets.
Heaven forbid you have to wash the sheets. I mean, doesn’t she have to wash the sheets at some point anyway?
Increasingly, she said, many privileged young people see college as a unique life stage in which they don’t — and shouldn’t — have obligations other than their own self-development.
While it is perfectly understandable that someone would want to take some time and figure out where they fit in the world, it seems that becomes the only thing that really matters. Is that where we want to young women to head? There are many people out there that for whatever the reasons, don’t want to be married. That is fine and it is a personal choice. But the underside of this behavior is that you never learn how to bond to someone, everything becomes disposable. Doesn’t that make it that much harder to make a marriage work? Marriage is different things to different people. Each couple has to find their own way and figure out works for them. But there is no way around this, marriage is a series of compromises. You can’t have what you want when you want it 100% of the time and expect that marriage to work. Sometimes your spouse is given a great job offer that requires to you and your family to relocate. Sometimes you need to get your children into a better school system, sometimes extended family will need assistance that requires you to make some changes to your everyday lives. These things are going to happen over a period of a marriage and weighing those choices isn’t always easy, but is necessary in order to make the relationship work. It won’t always be about you. That is just how it is.
“I don’t want to go through those changes with you. I want you to have changed and become enough of your own person so that when you meet me, we can have a stable life and be very happy.”
Her youth and inexperience is showing. As you age, your ability to be flexible gets harder not easier. As I said, marriage is a series of compromises. The older you get the less likely you are to make those compromises.
“I’m a true feminist,” she added. “I’m a strong woman. I know what I want.”
At the same time, she didn’t want the number of people she had slept with printed, and she said it was important to her to keep her sexual life separate from her image as a leader at Penn.
“Ten years from now, no one will remember — I will not remember — who I have slept with,” A. said. “But I will remember, like, my transcript, because it’s still there. I will remember what I did. I will remember my accomplishments and places my name is hung on campus.”
A friend of hers, who attended a nearby college and did have a serious boyfriend, said that she felt as if she were breaking a social taboo. “Am I allowed to find the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with when I’m 19?” she said. “I don’t really know. It feels like I’m not.”
How sad is it that young women today are made to feel that they are bad people because they are choosing love?
Another young woman who arrived on campus a virgin says:
“It’s kind of like a spiral,” she said. “The girls adapt a little bit, because they stop expecting that they’re going to get a boyfriend — because if that’s all you’re trying to do, you’re going to be miserable. But at the same time, they want to, like, have contact with guys.” So they hook up and “try not to get attached.”
Now, she said, she and her best friend had changed their romantic goals, from finding boyfriends to finding “hookup buddies,” which she described as “a guy that we don’t actually really like his personality, but we think is really attractive and hot and good in bed.”
One of the points of the article is that young women are driving the hook-up culture because they are strong young women who know what they want. But do they? Or have they just accepted that this is reality and stopped looking for anything else?
The hook-up culture that seems to be fueled by alcohol also puts young women in the position to be sexually assaulted at higher rates.
“You go in, and they take you down to a dark basement,” Haley, a blond, pink-cheeked senior, recalled of her first frat parties in freshman year. “There’s girls dancing in the middle, and there’s guys lurking on the sides and then coming and basically pressing their genitals up against you and trying to dance.”
Dancing like that felt good but dirty, and like a number of girls, Haley said she had to be drunk in order to enjoy it. Women said universally that hookups could not exist without alcohol, because they were for the most part too uncomfortable to pair off with men they did not know well without being drunk. One girl, explaining why her encounters freshman and sophomore year often ended with fellatio, said that usually by the time she got back to a guy’s room, she was starting to sober up and didn’t want to be there anymore, and giving the guy oral sex was an easy way to wrap things up and leave.
Well doesn’t that sound empowering? I know that is how I want my sexual experiences to be.
In November of Haley’s freshman year, a couple of months after her first tentative “Difmos,” or dance-floor makeouts, she went to a party with a boy from her floor. She had too much to drink, and she remembered telling him that she wanted to go home.
Instead, she said, he took her to his room and had sex with her while she drifted in and out of consciousness. She woke up with her head spinning. The next day, not sure what to think about what had happened, she described the night to her friends as though it were a funny story: I was so drunk, I fell asleep while I was having sex! She played up the moment in the middle of the night when the guy’s roommate poked his head in the room and asked, “Yo, did you score?”
Only later did Haley begin to think of what had happened as rape — a disturbingly common part of many women’s college experience. In a 2007 survey funded by the Justice Department of 6,800 undergraduates at two big public universities, nearly 14 percent of women said they had been victims of at least one completed sexual assault at college; more than half of the victims said they were incapacitated from drugs or alcohol at the time.
The close relationship between hooking up and drinking leads to confusion and disagreement about the line between a “bad hookup” and assault. In 2009, 2010 and 2011, 10 to 16 forcible sex offenses were reported annually to campus security as taking place on Penn’s campus or in the immediate neighborhood.
Sadly many of the young women in this study said that there were following the advice given to them by their moms. This is what moms want for their daughters? That is nothing short of tragic. I know I wouldn’t want my daughter treated that way.
Paula England, a sociologist at New York University, who led an online survey of 24,000 students at 21 universities called the Online College Social Life Survey, said that women tended to fare much better sexually in relationships than in hookups.
“Guys don’t seem to care as much about women’s pleasure in the hookup, whereas they do seem to care quite a bit in the relationships,” Dr. England said. By contrast, women “seem to have this idea they’re supposed to be pleasing in both contexts.” In hookups, women were much more likely to give men oral sex than to receive it.
Part of the reason men aren’t as focused on pleasing women in hookups, Dr. England said, is the lingering sexual double standard, which sometimes causes men to disrespect women precisely for hooking up with them.
There is judgment from other women, too — two women said they had been rejected from sororities because of their sexual reputations. And technology has made it easier to spread gossip. One woman recalled a guy showing her an e-mail he had received on his fraternity Listserv, in which another guy described having sex with a girl in the bathroom at a club.
“They’re not afraid to use names,” she said of the men, adding, “I’m sure there’s been a story about me on a Listserv. It happens to everyone.”
Just lovely huh? It happens to everyone? It has never happened to me nor will it. I don’t give young men a pass in this by any stretch of the imagination. But this also has become part of the culture today to the point that men have also been conditioned to believe that this behavior is normal and “empowering”, so hey why not. I hear from feminists all the time that we should be teaching young men to not rape. Shouldn’t we also be teaching young women not to get to drunk and put yourself in the position that when you don’t have your full capacities that these things are more likely to happen? Of course men shouldn’t sexually assault women, that is a given. But we also need to tell young women the dangers of their actions.
But there is some good news:
For all the focus on hookups, campuses are not sexual free-for-alls, at Penn or elsewhere. At colleges nationally, by senior year, 4 in 10 students are either virgins or have had intercourse with only one person, according to the Online College Social Life Survey. Nearly 3 in 10 said that they had never had a hookup in college. Meanwhile, 20 percent of women and a quarter of men said they had hooked up with 10 or more people.
According to one young woman who comes from a less privileged background has this to say:
Mercedes, a junior at Penn who is on financial aid, said that at her mostly Latino public high school in California, it was the troubled and unmotivated students who drank and hooked up, while the honors students who wanted to go to college kept away from those things.
When she went to Penn, she was surprised to see her elite classmates drinking, but even more surprised by the casual making out. She would go along with her friends to fraternity parties, but she refused to dance with strangers or to kiss anyone.
“Sharing that side of myself with a stranger just seems very strange to me,” she said in September. “I mean, if you break it down, it’s a very strange thing to do.”
Another young woman:
In Catherine’s view, her classmates tried very hard to separate sex from emotion, because they believed that getting too attached to someone would interfere with their work. They saw a woman’s marrying young as either proof of a lack of ambition or a tragic mistake that would stunt her career.
But Catherine noted that a handful of young women are starting to question that idea. In an article on Slate titled “Marry Young,” the writer Julia Shaw, who married at 23, said her generation was missing out on the support that young couples could provide each other as they faced the challenges of early adulthood.
“Marriage wasn’t something we did after we’d grown up, it was how we have grown up and grown together,” she wrote of herself and her husband.
As a teenager, Catherine had thought she would wait to get married until her late 20s or early 30s. But her college experiences had made her think that she would rather marry young than throw away a good relationship because it wasn’t the right time.
That might mean having to pass up certain career opportunities, for geographic reasons. But Catherine thought that her peers underestimated how hard it was to find the right person to be with — as hard, perhaps, as finding the right job.
“People kind of discount” how “difficult it is to find someone that you even remotely like, let alone really fall for,” she said. “And losing that can be just as impractical and harmful to yourself, if not more so, than missing out on a job or something like that. What else do you really have at the end of your life?”
If behaving like you don’t have emotion is the way to be a good “feminist”, I pass.
So many mistreated babies and kids with Downs live terrible lives. Instead of throwing resources at a nonviable fetus, why can’t the church help children with Down syndrome that are already alive? Because anti-abortion folks care more about fetuses with fairytale narratives than actual babies.
So says Katie Baker of Jezebel. She is unhappy about the Down’s Syndrome baby that isn’t going to be aborted but instead adopted because a Catholic priest decided to try to give the birth parents another alternative besides abortion.
It is any wonder that people are disgusted by the sometime rabid views of pro-abortion crowd? Simply because a child has Down’s Syndrome, it is called a “nonviable” fetus. How exactly is this “fetus” nonviable? This child is going to a set of parents that not only willing to do the extra work that a special needs child requires, they want to do it. They made a choice to raise this child. They have their eyes wide open as they went out of their way to make a choice to raise this child.
So you see abortion isn’t really about choice, because the birth parents and the adoptive parents have the made the “choice” to give this child life and yet they are still being called wrong and being ridiculed. It is about weeding out the weakest amongst us. A child with special needs can’t possibly have anything to offer the world, so kill them. It isn’t enough that the vast majority of babies who are diagnosed are killed through abortion. Apparently they won’t be happy until the 92% actually becomes 100%.
What this author also doesn’t seem to understand is how much work that Catholic church does, not just in America, but worldwide to try to stop suffering. All over this country you will find food banks, homeless shelters, clothing drives, and the like as outreach to the poor. One of the things that Catholic Charities excels at is hard to place adoptions. They are able to find homes for children that state has given up on and normally will be housed in a state-run facility. They want all children to have a healthy and happy environment. I have a friend who adopted through Catholic charities, the mother became pregnant again. They were contacted and asked if they wanted to raise their son’s sibling. They do everything they can to try to keep families together, give to the poor, and help the downtrodden. But I guess since it isn’t a government program it is no good.
No, Abortion Isn’t Used as Birth Control – Male Blogger Worries Casual Sex in Texas Will Be Harder to Come By
Yes, someone really made the claim that men in Texas need to care about the abortion bill in Texas because of casual sex.
Your sex life is at stake. Can you think of anything that kills the vibe faster than a woman fearing a back-alley abortion? Making abortion essentially inaccessible in Texas will add an anxiety to sex that will drastically undercut its joys. And don’t be surprised if casual sex outside of relationships becomes far more difficult to come by.
Well if that isn’t a reason to keep abortions beyond five months legal, I don’t know what is. I suppose that he can continue to make the argument that wanting abortions to be safe and being against basic safety procedures such as doctors having hospital privileges in a hospital within a 30 mile radius is also keep him from getting some.
You want to decide when and if to have kids. This bill will force thousands of Texas men into unplanned fatherhood by making it impossible for women to access an abortion in the event of an unplanned pregnancy. Even if you want to have kids, you probably don’t want an accident to make you a father before you’re psychologically ready and able to care for a child. If you don’t want kids, you don’t want the narrow, personal views of politicians in the state government to force you to have them.
I guess it is impossible to ask someone to show a little self control or may be wear a condom. That wouldn’t help him from getting a little somethin’ somethin’ when the mood strikes. Heaven forbid men actually realize that their actions have consequences. We wouldn’t want that to happen now would we?
Again, no mention of the life created, just about what is easy and convenient for adults involved. Why should the risk of creating another human life get in the way of having a good time.
Almost half of all pregnancies are unplanned and unintended. Of those, over 40% currently end in abortion. What happens to those 40% if this law passes? Are you willing to roll the dice with your girlfriend’s health and safety?
Again, let me get this straight, ensuring that all abortion clinics in Texas are close to hospital and have standards of cleanliness is risking their health and safety?
The world is just plum crazy, up is down, and black is white.
“It’s been a little scary. Sometimes it’s like she’s speaking Hungarian, and he’s speaking Cantonese. She’s been articulate, just in a different kind of English than mainstream English, she’s speaking Black English. Everything she says, where you can see the Twittersphere, or people I know thinking she’s making a grammatical mistake. If a Martian came down and the Martian happened to be in South-Central rather than in Grand Rapids, the Martian would have as hard a time figuring out how this dialect worked as any other. She said in the clip that ‘I had told you.’ Many people are thinking, ‘why is she using that?’ That’s Black English.”
So says a talking head on MSNBC when discussing the testimony of Rachel Jeantel. A network that prides itself on being for the “little guy” and champion for minorities. Really? This is sticking up for minorities? This is championing the cause of the inner city blacks? I think not. This is nothing but a huge insult as well-being more proof that the liberal mindset that they need special dispensation because obviously they are not able to do better. Another words, they are too stupid.
I have heard many making fun of her and I am certainly not going to do that. I personally find the entire episode sad and symptomatic of what is wrong with our education system and our society that we are willing to accept this. I don’t buy the argument that English is not her first language, she was born here. I grew up with parents who didn’t speak English as their first language either. But I certainly learned it and so did all the children of my parents immigrant friends. Kids especially will pick up languages quite quickly. Outside of that even this talking head isn’t using that as a reason. This man is saying she is just an average black kid, talking like black kids do. Why is this acceptable?
This young woman will have a difficult time finding a good job. She will likely stay in the confines of the inner cities. But what really gets me about this is why does the black community accept this meme? Why aren’t they up in arms over these comments? This is saying this is about what we can expect of the black community and we just shrug and say, hey this is the culture. Why aren’t we trying to change this culture? Why aren’t we saying there are obvious problems and these problems need to be addressed and addressed now?
Don’t they understand that they have been called too stupid to speak proper English? That by accepting this, in reality they are accepting the low expectations that have cursed that community? Lets face facts here, the black population is only around 12% of our population. Yet somewhere around 27% of the welfare given out goes to that community. They are living in poverty in higher numbers than others. Isn’t this part of the reason for that? We have accepted that they have a “culture” that allows them to speak almost incoherently in a setting such as a courtroom. She came across as ignorant as well as outright belligerent.
I would have felt so much better if MSNBC was screaming about how poor of an education this young woman received. Now she is far from the only person who can’t read cursive, I asked a 16-year-old suburban white girl yesterday, and she says that she has a hard time reading it as well. She doesn’t write that way, and her public school has done little to nothing to educate her on that type of writing. Cursive is being taken out of public and private schools at an alarming rate, and I say it is to the detriment of our society. It is a skill that shouldn’t be tossed aside simply because we are more of a technological society, learning how to write properly will also help with other skills such as reading and comprehending what you are reading.
We can’t keep saying well that is just culture when it comes to these types of things. We need to start asking why is this considered acceptable? Why is this “just culture”? What does this say about our culture?
I want to make it perfectly clear, that I am not making fun of this young woman. Exactly the opposite. I think we need to do something that stops promoting this meme and stop coming out with comments like this is “Black English”. We shouldn’t be accepting that the simple act of speaking is done along racial lines in this country. We should have but one “English” in this country.
My advice to Ms. Jeantel is to go to your local public library, they normally have some sort of class that can be taken at no charge to address your language deficiencies. Then you won’t have to accept whatever job you can find and just get by. Sadly, the talking heads at MSNBC seem to think that is all you are qualified for. With a little help and motivation on your part, I think you can prove them wrong.
Ike is discussing. Toggle Comments
You may remember the dad that was wishing away the impending birth of his twins. His wife has decided to speak out as well:
I don’t want to read the message boards that talk about what a joy twins are and how it’s so worth it and how “this too will pass” and what a blessing it is. When I complain that this pregnancy feels extremely more difficult than my first one, I don’t want to hear another doctor say, “Well it’s different – there are two.” None of this makes me feel any better. Quite frankly, it just pisses me off.
Before pursuing fertility I was a positive person, a cheerleader type with the mindset that everything happens for a reason. Now I find my mindset has shifted. While I am grateful we are pregnant, I am changed. There has been too much pain, too much struggle, and not enough learning. The “glass half full” person is no longer. The twins are coming fast, and I don’t feel a sense of joy. Instead, I feel responsible. We only wanted one.
She doesn’t read on message boards about the joy of the situation? Well one must ask why did you and your husband decide to make your complaints so publicly? Do you think you are doing some sort of public service by talking about how you don’t really want both of the children that you are carrying?
There is no denying that it is somewhat human nature not to be able to see another point of view when you are going through an emotional time. But the selfishness of both of these people is nothing short of stunning. At least her husband didn’t put his name on his essay, but the wife decided to put it out there for all the world to see. One of the biggest problems with that is that it will last forever and it may very well be read by her children one day.
I don’t have twins so I have no idea what that is like. But I do have several friends who do. If they felt this way, they certainly didn’t share it with me. One of my friends that had twins didn’t use fertility drugs/procedures, which would make it even more of a shock when it did happen. Using fertility drugs does make it more likely that you will have multiple babies. That is part of the process that was fully explained to this couple. They admit that themselves.
But I will tell you I was a person who desperately wanted children, I got ovarian cancer at a relatively young age and that dream was not very likely to come true. It was heartbreaking. I know people who have tried virtually everything under the sun to have a biological child and it just won’t happen. It is not in God’s plan. These families would give their eye tooth to be in this position.
It seems that the desire to have additional children was not even something that they necessarily wanted:
Yet despite these challenges, we still wanted another child – a sibling for our son, mind you, not so much for us. We spent the next two years trying to conceive. Every month when I would get my period, I didn’t just feel grief or disappointment – I was losing hope. I was exhausted and depressed. The emotional pain was incomprehensible to me. I was eroding as a person, losing weight and not being the best mom, wife, or professional.
Did this woman think that having even one newborn with a three-year old would be easy? Newborns need a great deal of attention, feedings, diaper changes, hugs, baths, and everything else that goes with it. It would never be easy even if you had only one child. You don’t have a child simply because you think your existing child needs a sibling. That isn’t a very good reason.
I wonder how much strain having two infants at the same time will put on my marriage and older son. We are not rich. We work hard to provide a good life for our son, and we have dreams, as all families do, of going to Disney, college, etc. I worry about how much of our attention and resources will be taken away from our firstborn. We also now need a bigger car and a bigger house. What had I done?
I thought of colic, and the change that postpartum depression had inflicted on me the first time around. Why would the universe, God, karma, whatever, whomever think it was a good idea to bring forth twins in our lives? When would anything go my way? Before I had children, it seems like it used to.
None of my friends that have twins are rich either. They make due. But it seems pretty clear that it comes down to this:
I completely acknowledge that for many, the journey to conceive is more difficult than our story. I realize better people than me are out there feeling joyful and benefiting from a far sunnier perspective. For anyone who is worried about me and my husband, our son brings us a ton of joy. We are always amazed by how much we love him, and I’m sure this indescribable love will extend to his brothers. But for now, I’m having trouble seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.
Worried about you and your husband? Honey, don’t you realize that most people are worried about your three sons? They are the issue here, not how things are not going your way.
If these parents don’t realize that there are many, many childless couples that would happily adopt one of those boys, they are sadly mistaken.
just a conservative girl and Jill are discussing. Toggle Comments
The City of Richmond, VA is one of the country’s leaders in single parent households. This past weekend the city sponsored a Celebrate Fatherhood celebration in order to draw some attention to this very serious problem. The number grows to 86% percent in black community of the city.
Think about that, barely over 1 in 10 black children grow up in a two parent home. That number is not just stunning, but horribly tragic. Lets face it, a single parent has a much more difficult time raising a child when they don’t have another person in the home to help them. There are things that have to be done, laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, cooking, and all the other chores that have to be done to keep a household running. When does this parent have time to read a book, throw a ball, help with homework? I am not saying that single parents can’t be wonderful. Many single parents do a great job. But the problems that go along with being a single parent can’t be ignored.
This isn’t even an American issue:
The poverty rate for children living with a single parent has risen 15 per cent since 2001, up from 20.9 per cent to 24.1 per cent. The HILDA survey, managed by the University of Melbourne, has tracked social trends by interviewing the same 12,000 people each year since 2001.
Over one quarter of U.S. children under age 18 reside with only one of their parents, and as many as half of U.S. children may reside in a single parent family at some point in their childhood. The vast majority – over 85% – of single parents are single mothers.
Poverty is widespread and severe in single mother families. According to the recently released Census Bureau data on poverty in 2010, people in single mother families had a poverty rate of 42.2% and an extreme poverty rate of 21.6%.
There are very real reasons that women end up being single parents. In some cases they leave an abusive relationship and are doing the very best that they can under difficult circumstances. But one of the outcomes of so many children being raised in single parent homes is the fact they grow up thinking that men don’t/won’t stick around. They grow up thinking that men are much more than a sperm donor. It just creates more problems for future generations.
Sadly, in the U.S. our government actually encourages single parent homes through our welfare system. If you are married, you are basically punished. It makes much more sense for a woman who is low-income to not marry. While living on welfare certainly isn’t an easy life, getting benefits is far better than getting none even though your job skills are no different if you are married or single.
Lets take a look at crime rates in Richmond:
Richmond Crime DataCRIME INDEX8(100 is safest)Safer than 8% of
in the US.
Richmond Annual Crimes
VIOLENT PROPERTY TOTAL 1,456 9,361 10,817 annual crimes per 1,000 residents 7.08 45.55 52.63
Violent Crime Comparison per 1,000 residents
MY CHANCES OF BECOMING A VICTIM
in Richmond 1 in 141
in Virginia 1 in 5087.081.97
Richmond VirginiaPopulation 205,533Richmond violent crimes MURDER RAPE ROBBERY ASSAULT REPORT TOTAL 36 54 686 680 RATE PER 1,000 0.18 0.26 3.34 3.31Population 311,591,917United States violent crimes MURDER RAPE ROBBERY ASSAULT REPORT TOTAL 14,612 83,425 354,396 751,131 RATE PER 1,000 0.05 0.27 1.14 2.41
Property Crime Rate Comparison per 1,000 residents
MY CHANCES OF BECOMING A VICTIM
in Richmond 1 in 22
in Virginia 1 in 4445.5522.50
Richmond VirginiaPopulation 205,533Richmond property crimes BURGLARY THEFT MOTOR VEHICLE THEFT REPORT TOTAL 1,924 6,500 937 RATE PER 1,000 9.36 31.63 4.56Population 311,591,917United States property crimes BURGLARY THEFT MOTOR VEHICLE THEFT REPORT TOTAL 2,188,005 6,159,795 715,373 RATE PER 1,000 7.02 19.77 2.30
Crimes Per Square Mile
NATIONAL MEDIAN 39.617322
92% of U.S. cities are safer than Richmond. Which is really a shame. If you have never been there, Richmond is a beautiful city filled with history. But you need to be careful where you go or you will likely end up being a victim of crime. Of course there will be some saying these two things are not connected. The police chief disagrees with you.
“I do know that a large of number of young folks we interact with do not have a father in their home and I think it’s on all of us to recognize a responsibility to help those children,” Chief Middleton said.
Wouldn’t it be a good idea for the government to stop rewarding single parenthood? From Web MD:
In the latest study, reported in the Jan. 25 issue of The Lancet, European researchers reveal that the risks facing children living with one parent may be even more widespread and immediate. They found the risk of suicide was more than twice as high among children in one-parent households compared with those living with both parents
Children in single-parent homes were also twice as likely to have a psychiatric disease, have alcohol-related problems, and were up to four times more likely to abuse drugs
Gee, what a good idea to support that.
“We have a major father absenteeism issue in Richmond,” First Things First Executive Director Truin Huntle said. “I wish more people were discussing why this is such a major issue. We see more people beginning to give some credence to it because they are looking for the root cause of other issues like childhood poverty, poor performance in school. Father absenteeism, broken homes, broken marriages and teen pregnancy are continually being found as the root cause of those problems.”
This is a man who is on the front lines in Richmond, working every day to help children and fathers. Maybe he is someone worth listening to.
Ike is discussing. Toggle Comments
“There are some people who want to lean in. There are some people who want to lean back and be on a rocking chair drinking a mint julep.”
Yep, this is the latest attack on SAHM’s. Sadly, this one came from a “republican”, Ana Navarro on Meet the Press over the weekend.
It is now almost 10:15. I have made breakfast on two different occasions. I am on my second load of laundry, I have read three books, hung some crayon art, and am presently getting ready for some finger painting. I will need to make some lunches, pick someone up from school about an hour after that. Then I will have snack time and listen to all the adventures that went on in school today. Two play dates will follow the snacks. My kitchen floor is a mess and must be cleaned today (I hope anyway). Grocery shopping must be done before dinner if I want to eat. I have dishes that need to be put away, fold the laundry, put it away, take the dog out for her walk (which I try to make at least a mile, she is a big dog and needs a great deal of exercise). I will have a few more stories to read before the day is over, bath times, a dinner to make, a birthday cake to bake for tomorrow, a church meeting to attend, a blog to keep up with, a man that I need pay attention to as well. Oh yeah, I have yet to make the beds, I am still somewhat getting a new house in order, three handwritten thank you notes to write; I guess I have a stop at the post office to make too! The flower beds need some tending, I had the windows opened last night to save a little money on the electric bill, so the chances are good I have to wipe off the window sills; allergies.
She then went on to slam the even smaller community of the SAHD:
When I say in my house that I want to be a kept woman, the answer I get back is I want to be a kept man. So, you know, that`s not working — it`s not working in my house.
A kept woman? That is what she thinks I am. I looked up recently the costs of what I do every day. It is about $60K per year. Personally I think that is very low. I think I am being way underpaid, but I don ‘t mind. This is what I CHOOSE to do. I am not being forced, I am not doing this against my will, nor do I put other women who make other choices down. Some families simply cannot afford for a parent to stay home. Some women put a great deal of time into getting an education (I graduated from an Ivy League school by the way) and decide not to put that on hold while raising their children.
I know plenty of single mothers who have done an incredible job raising their kids. One of my high school friends has two kids in college now and they both are honor students, very motivated, happy, healthy, well-adjusted young adults figuring out their place in the world. I also know people who had stay at home moms are very troubled. There is no one way to guarantee your children will grow up to be well-adjusted adults, but virtually all studies show that children that have both parents in the home and a mother who stays at home statistically will do better.
Wanting to give that best chance to my children doesn’t make me lazy or someone who is sitting in a rocking chair drinking day after day. It well past time that women stop putting down other women and their choices they make for their familes.
Feel Good Story of the Day – Police Converge on Kindergarten Graduation for Child of Officer Killed in the Line of Duty
A week ago Tatum Raetz lost her daddy who was killed in the line of duty in Phoenix Arizona. His precinct had gotten together and decided to support his young daughter by showing up at her graduation ceremony. It turns out virtually most of the city’s police showed up as well. What a very special day for this little girl whose heart is surely broken from losing her daddy.
It is rare, but I happen to agree with Michelle Obama on something. Over the weekend she gave a commencement speech at a historically black college and during this speech she said:
“reject the slander that a black child with a book is trying to act white.”
There was a time in my life that I wouldn’t believe that this was so widespread of a belief in the black community. But that naiveté is long gone. I have done some volunteer work with the scholarship program in Washington, D.C.. It is basically a voucher program that allows low-income families to apply for money to be used at the school of their choice. The forms can be a little overwhelming, so I would help parents fill out the forms for the application. I also did outreach to get as many as possible to apply. During this outreach I got a little education of my own. This is a common theme among the inner city blacks, at least in D.C.. I heard this mantra over and over again. I also heard far too often that learning how to fight wouldn’t happen in those “white schools”. Sadly, that is true story.
What exactly is “acting white” supposed to mean anyway? Why would getting an education that can lift your child out of poverty and a life of low earning jobs a bad thing? Every one of the parents I spoke with were living in low-income, high crime areas of The District. They have lived the life of not having enough money to get their children into a neighborhood that would provide them a better school and reduce the amount of violence around them. I went into doing this work thinking every parent would jump at the chance to get some help for their child. Wrong.
Education is an issue that I feel very strongly about. Every child in this country deserves a quality education; regardless of the income of their parents. Sadly, when you are living in low-income areas, the public schools are failing your children. A lack of a good education leads to all kinds of social ills throughout your life and in many instances leads to a life dependent on government subsidies just to survive. It also costs the taxpayers a great deal of money when you start looking at the rates of incarceration among people who don’t finish high school. They are far less likely to add to the economy; actually they become a drain to tax payers. From a human point of view it is a difficult life to lead.
It has also been shown that pay disparities between blacks and whites disappear within one generation. A black person who finishes two-year of college will have children that makes just as much as their white counterparts. This is among one of the chief complaints among “civil rights” leaders. Well, here is a your solution. Yet, this is something that is rarely, if ever, spoken about by these race hustlers. They just talk about all that is wrong, but rarely every talk about the ‘unspeakable”. The apathy in the black community that has haunted far too many and allows generation after generation to live a life of poverty need to hear this message. You can lift yourself and your family out of poverty by getting yourself an education.
She went on:
“Today, more than 150 years after the Emancipation Proclamation, more than 50 years after the end of ‘separate but equal,’ when it comes to getting an education, too many of our young people just can’t be bothered,” she said.
“Today, instead of walking miles every day to school, they’re sitting on couches for hours, playing video games, watching TV. Instead of dreaming of being a teacher or a lawyer or a business leader, they’re fantasizing about being a baller or a rapper,” Obama kept going. “Right now, one in three African American students are dropping out of high school, only one in five African Americans between the ages of 25 and 29 has gotten a college degree.”
This is something that the likes of Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton don’t understand. They continue to hold onto the belief that somehow only access to the same public schools that whites go to is enough. The evidence that clearly isn’t true sadly is the many inner city black youths who are being robbed of a decent education. This is demonstrated quite clearly when the NAACP sued the City of New York to keep the worst performing school in the country open. That incident also clearly demonstrated how hypocritical they truly are about the issue. The lawyer for the NAACP that filed the lawsuit sends her daughter to boarding school in New Hampshire. If you are stunned by that, you really shouldn’t be. It is par for the course. Education for me, but not for thee seems to be mantra of the race hustlers that have money. Letting those poor kids stay in the under performing schools is perfectly fine, as long as it isn’t their children.
I have waited four long years for the Obama family to make these type of statements. While I truly believe that singling out people by race is a bad thing, I also truly believe that with the type of platform that they have it is a crying shame that they have not used it more effectively to reach those in the black community. Simply being president and first lady isn’t enough. The message must be that you too, with an education, can accomplish what we have accomplished. You too can make it to Harvard and Princeton if you work hard. You too can lift your families to greater heights. I also feel that they need to talk about the family dinner table and the importance of fathers in the home and being around to raise your children. While I have heard it from him, it isn’t nearly often enough. Every study shows that having a father around increases grades, decreases drug use, and makes the possibility of that child growing up in poverty that much less. In fact, the percentage that lift themselves out of poverty is more than 70% when three simple things are done, finishing high school, not marrying before the age of 21, and not having children out-of-wedlock. This study was also confirmed by a left leaning think tank that tried to prove it wrong.
I will always give credit where credit is due. I want to hear more of this from Michelle Obama. I also would like other leaders in the black community to follow her lead. Lets talk about some of the uncomfortable truths, that sometimes blacks are their own worst enemies. Believing that getting an education is “white” then getting ahead will be nearly impossible. The choice is yours black community, the choice is yours.
I have long felt that as a society we have lost our way. I also truly believe that a great deal of this is about parenting. We over parent our children to the point that they feel they are owed something. A friend is a nursery school teacher and she pointed me towards this article aptly named A Nation of Wimps.
I think that is an accurate name for what is going on in our society. Everyone is trying to protect their children to the point that we not allowing them to grow and mature.
Behold the wholly sanitized childhood without skinned knees or the occasional C in history. “Kids need to feel badly sometimes,” says child psychologist David Elkind, professor at Tufts University. “We learn through experience and we learn through bad experiences. Through failure we learn how to cope.”
Yes, failing at times is a good thing. We learn from it. Children at some point are going to become an adult that will have to make choices, and not all of those choices will be good ones. Having a few failures gives them the background to figure out what choices are better than others. I will fully admit that sometimes all the choices are bad, but you still have to learn which choices will give the best possible outcome.
No one doubts that there are significant economic forces pushing parents to invest so heavily in their children’s outcome from an early age. But taking all the discomfort, disappointment and even the play out of development, especially while increasing pressure for success, turns out to be misguided by just about 180 degrees. With few challenges all their own, kids are unable to forge their creative adaptations to the normal vicissitudes of life. That not only makes them risk-averse, it makes them psychologically fragile, riddled with anxiety. In the process they’re robbed of identity, meaning and a sense of accomplishment, to say nothing of a shot at real happiness. Forget, too, about perseverance, not simply amoral virtue but a necessary life skill. These turn out to be the spreading psychic fault lines of 21st-century youth. Whether we want to or not, we’re on our way to creating a nation of wimps.
Every parent wants what is best for their children. It is instinct to hope that your child will live a life that is “easier” than you did. But the fact remains that every life will have disappointments, failures, and expectations that won’t be reached. It happens to all of us. You need to teach your children the ability to pick themselves up and brush themselves off. There will come a time that you will not be there for them.
College, it seems, is where the fragility factor is now making its greatest mark. It’s where intellectual and developmental tracks converge as the emotional training wheels come off. By all accounts, psychological distress is rampant on college campuses. It takes a variety of forms, including anxiety and depression—which are increasingly regarded as two faces of the same coin—binge drinking and substance abuse, self-mutilation and other forms of disconnection. The mental state of students is now so precarious for so many that, says Steven Hyman, provost of Harvard University and former director of the National Institute of Mental Health, “it is interfering with the core mission of the university.”
The severity of student mental health problems has been rising since 1988, according to an annual survey of counseling center directors. Through 1996, the most common problems raised by students were relationship issues. That is developmentally appropriate, reports Sherry Benton, assistant director of counseling at Kansas State University. But in 1996, anxiety overtook relationship concerns and has remained the major problem. The University of Michigan Depression Center, the nation’s first, estimates that 15 percent of college students nationwide are suffering from that disorder alone.
I read something recently that talked about the percentage of parents that expected a phone call from their children who were out of the home attending college. I can’t remember the exact number but it was about half of parents surveyed. How exactly do these kids learn to do things for themselves when Mommy and Daddy are still keeping tabs on everything that they are doing?
Some of this is showing up in very disturbing ways:
Relationship problems haven’t gone away; their nature has dramatically shifted and the severity escalated. Colleges report ever more cases of obsessive pursuit, otherwise known as stalking, leading to violence, even death. Anorexia or bulimia in florid or subclinical form now afflicts 40 percent of women at some time in their college career. Eleven weeks into a semester, reports psychologist Russ Federman, head of counseling at the University of Virginia, “all appointment slots are filled. But the students don’t stop coming.”
Drinking, too, has changed. Once a means of social lubrication, it has acquired a darker, more desperate nature. Campuses nationwide are reporting record increases in binge drinking over the past decade, with students often stuporous in class, if they get there at all. Psychologist Paul E. Joffe, chair of the suicide prevention team at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign, contends that at bottom binge-drinking is a quest for authenticity and intensity of experience. It gives young people something all their own to talk about, and sharing stories about the path to passing out is a primary purpose. It’s an inverted world in which drinking to oblivion is the way to feel connected and alive.
“There is a ritual every university administrator has come to fear,” reports John Portmann, professor of religious studies at the University of Virginia. “Every fall, parents drop off their well-groomed freshmen and within two or three days many have consumed a dangerous amount of alcohol and placed themselves in harm’s way. These kids have been controlled for so long, they just go crazy.”
Why would we feel that is a good idea? The numbers of young woman who have said that they have been abused in relationship is frightening. While I am not denying the pathology that is behind people staying in an abusive relationship exists, but many of these kids are not coming from abusive homes, which lowers the risk of the them being abused as an adult.
Talk to a college president or administrator and you’re almost certainly bound to hear tales of the parents who call at 2 a.m. to protest Branden’s C in economics because it’s going to damage his shot at grad school.
Shortly after psychologist Robert Epstein announced to his university students that he expected them to work hard and would hold them to high standards, he heard from a parent—on official judicial stationery—asking how he could dare mistreat the young. Epstein, former editor-in-chief of Psychology Today, eventually filed a complaint with the California commission on judicial misconduct, and the judge was censured for abusing his office—but not before he created havoc in the psychology department at the University of California, San Diego.
I also was reading some stories from hiring directors about the millennium generation and their job interviewing skills. They are pretty poor:
A college senior brought her cat into an interview for a buyer’s position at clothing retailer American Eagle. She set the crate-housed cat on the interviewer’s desk and periodically played with it. “It hit me like — why would you think that’s OK?” says Mark Dillon, the chain’s former recruiting director. “She cut herself off before she had a chance.”
• Helicoptering parents. A man in his late 20s brought his father into a 45-minute interview for a material handling job on an assembly line, says Teri Nichols, owner of a Spherion staffing-agency in Brooksville, Fla. At Cigna, a health insurance provider, the father of a recent grad who received an offer for a sales job, called to negotiate a higher salary, says Paula Welch, a Cigna HR consultant.
While yes the story about the cat is funny, it is also very scary. These kids are going to be running the country one day and they think bringing a cat to an interview is acceptable behavior. I think it can be a good idea for a parent to help their child through the first job interview process and teaching them about negotiating a salary, those are necessary skills to have over your lifetime. But you don’t make the call yourself.
It is any wonder that kids today don’t understand the concept of responsiblity and hard work?
Although we’re well on our way to making kids more fragile, no one thinks that kids and young adults are fundamentally more flawed than in previous generations. Maybe many will “recover” from diagnoses too liberally slapped on to them. In his own studies of 14 skills he has identified as essential for adulthood in American culture, from love to leadership, Epstein has found that “although teens don’t necessarily behave in a competent way, they have the potential to be every bit as competent and as incompetent as adults.”
It is all in our hands parents. Are we up to the task?