Things I Would Ask and Tell the President

Now that there’s an empty chair at the press conferences when they’re held, I humbly throw my hat into the ring with the following questions and commentary:

1) Mr. President, if you’ve been aware and in charge and involved since day one, why haven’t you spoken directly with Tony Hayward, the CEO of BP about the leak?  It’s now day 50.  Do you think maybe, you know, you could call him up?  Isn’t he the major posterior you need to kick? 

2) BP said at first the rig wasn’t leaking but that if it did, it wouldn’t be bad. Now either they lied to you in which case you should be majorly ticked and get your foot ready, or you knew they were lying in which case we should be ticked at both of you or you were both ignorant, in which case, again, we should be ticked at all of you.   Which is it and how can you prove it?

3) The Crude hasn’t’ stopped but you’re president, you won so the buck stops with you. This took place in Federal waters. It’s your problem, not Bush’s, not the Republicans, it’s yours. Roll up your sleeves for more than a 15 minute photo-op and get your hands dirty. We see you walking on a cleaned up beach making jokes and jetting back for a barbeque with the stars.  In writing, the mantra is show don’t tell.  You tell us you care. You show us, you’re all about the party.  Guess which one is more compelling?

4) Need some ideas on how to fix this?  Stop calling college professors for counsel.  Call all the CEOS of every oil company together and have them brainstorm about how to fix it, have them clean it up as a public service, let them keep what they capture.  Offer incentives of public praise from the oval office for those companies who out of civic self interest, help fix things in the Gulf.  College professors have theory, you need practical application.  Why aren’t you picking up the phone to call people who would actually know how to do this and be able to do something?   

5) Why are we annoyed and irritated with you?  You sign into law countless bills you haven’t read spending hundreds of billions of dollars and rewriting 1/6th of the economy but suddenly require extensive engineering and environmental reports to determine whether or not to procure the booms requested by the States to protect their marshlands? Here are Republican conservative states asking for government intervention and you have a chance to validate everything you’ve ever believed about the Federal role in the world and you go…golfing….and on vacation….and to parties….and to fund-raisers.  The only thing you haven’t done is read “The Pet Goat.” to some kids somewhere.   What’s on the party agenda for this weekend?

6) Maybe if you called Tony Hayward, you could use some of that political muscle and have him pay for the booms for Louisiana that Governor Jindal asked for back at the beginning of May before all those ugly pictures of dead dolphins and turtles and pelicans started showing up on the Internet.  I bet he’d even finance the shipping.  Do you need his phone number?  Do you need a phone?

7) Yesterday, to show you were serious, you swore on national television.  Why do you think showing leadership means talking like Joe “Big F’ing Deal” Biden?

Thank you Mr. President.