Ssh, Don’t Tell Anyone: transcript of the last phone call Petraeus made before he resigned – Satire

“Hey there, Cindy? This is David. David Patreus.”

“David, how are you? I haven’t seen you since college!”

“I am good thanks. Listen, I need a favor. You used to say I was cute…I need to resign before this whole Benghazi thing blows up, and I figure an extra-marital affair would be a good excuse.”

“Um…what do you need from me?”

“I don’t know how these things are done myself, but I put the boys on it. They are sending some photos of us leaving a hotel – we used Jessica Alba’s body, you’ll be very pleased. And we put some texts on your phone, and the package comes with a $200,000 book deal. How does that sound?”

“Okay I guess.”
“Good! I’ll make the announcement today. Oh, and if you tell anyone it isn’t reall, we’ll kill you, but that’s just standard. Have a good day! And thanks again. You’re a pal.”
~ Tom O’Brien