Hey, Want Some Advice on How to Convince a Woman to Get an Abortion? Well, Here It Is

Oh my.  I have reached the age that little should shock me.  I convince myself all the time that is the case.  Then I read this.  

It is a blog that says it is an advice like thing for men.  You know, dating tips and of course, what would it be without a column on how to get out of fatherhood?  I mean that is necessary info after all, right?

It starts out with how men have few options when it comes to birth control:

Let’s face it: sexually active people have accidents. Shit happens, that’s life. But we know that men have no reproductive rights in opting out of a being a parent. With only two birth control options available to men (a condom and a vasectomy) the words you use to get your girl off the fence about having an abortion must be well thought out.

I notice it says nothing about not having sex or even if people think that isn’t a realistic argument, it doesn’t even mention just having sex with someone who you trust enough to know that she is taking birth control on a regular basis.  Nor does it mention the withdrawal method.  If worse comes to worse, you can just have oral sex.  I guess the fact that when used properly, condoms are pretty much as effective as birth control as any method a woman uses.  But I guess that is neither here nor there.

He recommends three different styles to use during this “conversation”

  1. The Hail Mary
  2. The Asshole Method
  3. The Wild Card Method

I guess it doesn’t occur to this guy that all would fall under The Asshole Method.  The Hail Mary method is to be used on a “girlfriend” or “long-term booty call”.  I guess another term for the hook-up that is so common on college campuses these days.   You play Mr. Nice Guy and tell the woman that you want to have children with her “one day”, but that day isn’t quite here yet.  You know you have career and financial goals and that having a baby today would mess those up.  You can’t support her or that child in the way you would like.  Oh, and I can’t leave out you are instructed to dump the girl after this, because if she happens to get pregnant again, you won’t be able to use this a second time.   I guess if you are already doing well in those departments you are screwed and then have to move on to the next method of being a total jerk.    Just tell her you will not be part of this child’s life and she will only get financial support that court forces him to pay.  But in no uncertain terms will you forced into a fatherhood to a child that you don’t want.  I guess you are effectively breaking it off here as well.

The third one really is the most charming of all the methods.  I will let him describe it to you.

How The Wildcard Method Works

Think about what causes normal couples wanting to have children to get an abortion. If an ultrasound finds that the child has a developmental problem like autism, many couples choose to abort. You can use this knowledge to your advantage because you can tell the girl that a rare genetic disease is common in your family. You should tell her you would love to have children but it would be unfair to risk the possibility of this disease (ideally use one which causes an early death and/or horrible lifestyle conditions while alive) being passed on to future generations. To add color to your story, bring up a nonexistent sibling and tell her that you are still recovering from their painful passing a few years ago.

To help convince her that this is a family disease, take pictures. This might require you to spend an afternoon volunteering at a hospital or center for developmentally disabled people. Take a picture of someone who could pass as a relative (similar skin tone is probably all you need). This is just an example, but do whatever you think is necessary to sell the seriousness of this genetic disease to her.  Explain that having a kid with your DNA would be like playing Russian roulette with someone’s life. If she is still on the fence have her watch the film Tiptoes with Matthew McConaughey and tell her what your siblings, uncles, cousins have lived through makes dwarfism seem like a walk in the park. While this method could require some acting on your part, if you sell it well enough she will be offering to pay for the abortion.

Apparently it would seem this would work best on a woman who has yet to meet your family, or at the very least doesn’t know them very well since she has no idea that you lost a sibling.  It also never occurs to this wonderful guy that the woman may ask if he has this going on why he wouldn’t have a vasectomy to be sure he never plants his seed, but you know, details.  I love how something so rare is so common all that the same time, don’t you?

Is really necessary to wonder why dont’ view life as valuable anymore?   I will give him credit though, he does seem to think it is his repsonsibility to pay for the abortion.  I guess we should take some solace in that.