The poor man, victim of bad luck and those meanie mean people who still insist on buying SUVs, trying to make money and eating something fried, just wants to take his family on a modest vacation by the shore and he has these whiny whiners whining about wanting to have jobs.
Why do they want jobs?
They’re on vacation right now! That’s where he wants to be! But, he’s promised to deliver a master plan, a plan to end all other plans, a plan so brilliant, it will make all those cry baby people who complained sorry they ever doubted anything he said. Soon. Right after his vacation….except not. It’s a reasonable request to wait three to four more weeks.
After all, these sorts of plans take time to craft and develop…and it’s unfair to encroach on quality time with the family when work is so very demanding and he’s done so much. So I feel for the President. I do. I know the burden of the crown …er sorry, Presidency, weighs heavy. I know because he’s told me he works harder and is less appreciated than Martin Luther King, and more mocked and misunderstood than Abraham Lincoln.
Because I feel his pain and think he and his family deserve this time away from the maddening crowds so he can eat his waffles or ice cream or Tuscan kale or arugula in peace, I will give him a gift. That’s right, I will personally craft for him his master plan on jobs as it will be presented post labor day. I can even help free up that time for that speech by presenting it here.
Good afternoon, I come to you today after completing extensive research, reviewing all the options, consulting experts in the field because I’m open to all options and am serious about this. Let me be clear, the problems our economy faces are systemic, long-term and the result of over reaching and overspending and irresponsibility by congress, and the results of reckless executive decisions made long before I took the oath of office.
The country has had a string of bad luck in world affairs coupled with congressional political grandstanding that refused compromise. Combined, this mix has prolonged if not crippled all attempts I have made at recovery.
Let me be clear, the way I offer is hard, fair and reasonable. It is the way to prosperity for the good of all, but it requires that those of us who have more, be more generous and understand that this is what we must do for our country.
I know you think like I do, that it is unjust that Wallstreet and Corporations have profits in the billions and millions, while millions are on food stamps.
I know you agree that it is unjust for politicians listen to the rich who can buy access, and we have to trim teachers and soldiers and policemen’s pensions, or threaten the elderly and disabled with less economic security to enrich the pockets of those who have more than they will ever need.
We must act. We must change our ways and the time is now.
Therefore, I’m directing Congress to pass my budget, which will include a three for one tax, for every dollar spent by the federal government, we will tax three, so as to reduce the deficit through new income revenue to the treasury.
The bulk and blunt effect of these new taxes will be born by the wealthiest ten percent of our country, so the middle class and the poor will not be affected or injured.
Further, I’m asking for an excess profit cap tax, percentage based on all profit reported by any corporation. It will be set for 20%, recaptured and used to help shore up existing assistance to the unemployed.
Lastly, I will ask all those in the legislator shouting about cutting the deficit and a balanced budget, to show they are serious by forfeiting their salaries and benefits.
Any who step forward and make such a sacrifice, will prove they mean what they say. Anyone who doesn’t, proves they’re just in it for political points.
The republicans claim they care about ballancing the budget, so I will ask the leadership to restrain its members from inserting any pet projects or proposing any legislation or policies that result in pork to their own states, or create additional layers of bureaucracy or change existing law. I will direct the Congress to only fund those projects that are critical, that save jobs. But, we must do more. I will demand more.
We will create new incentives and Federal grants for companies that promote green energy and green jobs.
There will be money allocated for college for students who want to enter into education to help in our public schools. An educated public is a working public.
We will also improve America’s infrastructure with highways, high-speed rail and communications, like cell, satellite and high-speed internet to make sure everyone has access to the world-wide web. Kids these days can’t get a job or get ahead without computer knowledge, and they can’t get computer knowledge without having access to computers, so we will invest in technology to give kids that leg up to the American Dream.
Finally, I know that a President gets credit or blame for the economy, but I want you to know that I am working as hard as I can, and that I will talk to anyone, anywhere. I am open to any ideas that come from anywhere about how we can help grow our economy. I’ve ridden across country and I’ve heard your frustration, I’m frustrated too. I am. I am!
But change as we all know, takes time. Phone your representatives and tell them, with their cooperation, We Can. Yes we can. This is the time when doubts could throw us off track. Don’t let them make you doubt what you said we needed when you elected me to office. Don’t let them return us to the same old same ole. We all knew that change would be hard and tough, but now we all need to dig deep and hold on. They don’t want to have skin in the game, they want you to sit on the sidelines so they can continue to sit on their profits. We need them to get in the game, we need them to invest in what we’ve started.
I invite every corporation, every investor, every American, to invest in our future as a country by being willing to give up just a little bit for their neighbor. It is the just and right thing to do, and all of us will benefit.
Now, if you have any questions, I’ll just send you to our newest Job Czar. I have a tee time and I promised I wouldn’t be late. (Chuckles and leaves, no questions).
Editor’s Note: Print, save and do a shot for each proposal that hits the mark, only promise not to operate heavy machinery for a good 10 hours afterwards.